"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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