i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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