no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
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