what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
