I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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