I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
