You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
