if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
