OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
foreskin is a definite game changer
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
