Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
