I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
