I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
