anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
