Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
