Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Randomize
