Hey man sorry I got all grabby
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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