today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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