The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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