When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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