Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
