I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
