Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
