Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
