did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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