It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
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