my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
