There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize