Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
