You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Randomize
