i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
