when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
