I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
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Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
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They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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