thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
