I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
