do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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