Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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