Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
