I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
