you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
