On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
