Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
