I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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