I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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