I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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