she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
