Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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