I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I think I sprained my soul last night
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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