Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
