just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
