I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
