Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
