I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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